No matter what happens in your relationship, you have something to do with
Once you discover your role in the problem, you get your power back. You can
turn your situation around. When you can't see your role in the problem, you
lose your power and you stay stuck forever.
We've been taught that relationships are 50/50 but they're not. They are
100/100. Each person is 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love.
In any relationship, each person is constantly reacting to the other. No
matter how someone gets treated, that person will react accordingly.
Notice what happens when someone accepts and appreciates you. You feel loved
and automatically accept and appreciate that person in return.
Now notice what happens when someone is judgmental and critical towards you.
You get upset and become judgmental and critical in return. However you get
treated, you will respond accordingly.
This makes the other person 100 % responsible for the presence or absence of
love in your relationship. It makes you 0 % because no matter what the other
person does, you are going to react quite naturally.
At the same time, the other side of the coin is also true. How you treat the
other person determines how that person will respond to you. This makes you 100
% responsible and the other person 0 %.
Each person in a relationship is constantly reacting to the other. At the
same time, each person is constantly determining the other person's reaction.
In other words, each person is 100% responsible for the presence or absence
of love. How you treat the other person determines how that person is going to
Unfortunately, we seldom notice our 100%. We only notice how the other person
treats us. We can easily see the other person's responsibility, but we can't see
When you can't see your 100%, all you can do is react. When all you can do is
react, you have no ability to determine what will happen.
If you want a relationship to work, you need to accept your 100 %. You need
to make sure the other person feels loved, accepted and appreciated. When you
are reacting, this becomes impossible.
Usually, it's just a matter of time until someone gets hurt and upset. That
person then puts up his or her walls of protection and either resists, attacks
Then the other person gets upset and does the same thing in return. Then the
first person gets more upset and reacts more forcefully toward the other.
Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of resisting,
attacking and withdrawing from each other. This cycle then goes on and on
without either person ever noticing his or her role in the conflict.
To create and maintain this cycle, there must be two people participating. It
is physically impossible to have a cycle of conflict with only one person. Each
person is 100% responsible.
Once you discover your role in the conflict, you can do something about it.
You can stop the non-accepting. You can end the cycle of conflict and restore
Take a moment and look at your relationship. Find your 100 % responsibility
for the loss of love. Notice how non-accepting and critical you have been.
Notice how you have hurt the other person and how that person has gotten upset
and given it back to you.
The other person is also fully responsible, but so what. When you point at
the other person's responsibility, you may be telling the truth, but it doesn't
change your situation. You just give your power away.
To have your life be as great as it can be, you need to give up the blaming.
Find your role in the problem. Then take whatever action you need to handle your
Once you discover your 100% responsibility, you get your power back. You can
then take the action you need to heal your relationship and to create a life
This article was written by Bill
Ferguson and was original
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