there's a myriad of answers to this question with many religious and
ethical interpretations. In the past the answer was clean and simple -
until you're married. This was particularly important for our message to
youth, as we know many teens are not ready for the responsibility that
today many people are waiting much longer to get married, often into their
late twenties and early thirties. Expecting the majority of these people
to wait that long is not only unrealistic but possibly not in their best
interest. Can you imagine how eager people would become to get married so
they could experience sex - only to find that they really aren't that
compatible and then wind up as another divorce statistic?
sex is special, and should not be reduced to a simple physical act for
pleasure only. It is by far the most personal, sacred thing we can share
with another person. And we should choose carefully who we decide to be
sexual with. But this convenient answer that we should wait until we're
married is outdated and ignored by most, so we might as well address it
from the side of reality.
divorcees are more interested in taking their time, choosing wisely, and
really getting to know someone before they make the marriage leap again.
Part of their getting to know someone includes sharing intimacy with each
other. After all, these adults are not worried as much about pregnancy and
they have already experienced an active sex life in the past.
same rules of thumb should be able to be applied to all people. Let me ask
you, is it not hypocrisy for the older generations who have sex out of
wedlock to preach to the younger generations that this is wrong? And even
if they do preach this philosophy, usually their message falls upon deaf
To be continued...
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amazing fact is that many of the older folks, who should know better, make
the same mistakes as the younger people when it comes to sex. You would
think their experience and level of maturity would guide them better, but
unfortunately many in their 30's, 40's, and 50's share sex with a partner
way too early in the relationship, which has many ramifications.
building that is designed for a long life has a foundation. The strength
of that foundation is critical for the longevity of the building. The more
time and careful preparation that goes into building the foundation of
one's relationship before they have sex the better. Once you have sex, the
relationship takes on a new shape, you add a significant new dimension.
You are without question no longer just friends.
you don't share a sexual relationship with someone, and you get to know
them and find that you are really not interested in a long-term
relationship, getting out is much more simple and much less uncomfortable.
No-one feels used or under obligation, and people are generally less hurt
if they haven't shared that level of intimacy together.
so not having sex makes getting out easier. More importantly though, if
you are serious about finding a long-lasting partnership, then you will
want to wait until a foundation is in place before you jump into bed
together. Potentially solid partnerships with two good people often get
destroyed because they had sex too early, before they really got to know
each other, and mentally it just screwed things up.
sex happens, often expectations are soon to follow. In a way it is kind of
like taking a job without any idea what your pay or duties will be. You
get hired, show up, and then start to ask those important questions. And
many times you won't like the answers, and will get frustrated that you
took the job without enough information up front.
you have sex, you are in a relationship. Period! You may not call it that.
But you are. It may not be the Ward and June Cleaver relationship, but it
is certainly a form of relationship, one much deeper than a non-sexual
general rule of thumb that I believe in is to not have sex with someone
before you can and do comfortably talk about sex with them. Some people
violently oppose this philosophy because they believe that talking about
sex before hand will kill the spontaneity. But the spontaneity can still
be there, the beauty and natural expression of passion can not only be
present, but even deeper, because you won't be as distracted with all of
your worries or thoughts about their thoughts as you share those first
should be able to talk about what hasn't worked for you in the past in
your sexual relationships. Measures you would take for birth control or
protection against disease. In the chance a pregnancy occurred, what would
you do? In a perfect world you'd talk about what you like and don't like.
And you would talk about how you feel about each other, what it is about
them that suggests their is at least some possibility for a long-term
you can't articulate much more than "the reason I want to have sex
with you is because you have a great ass" and you have sex anyway,
then don't be surprised if this relationship doesn't work.
you want to be able to continue to talk about everything together,
including sex, after the initial conversation about it. But the more you
can talk about beforehand, the better. Then it is not personal about them.
Let's say for example, that you disliked it when your partner was really
loud and verbose while your were making love. You don't mention anything
about this, and during your first interlude, your new lover ends up doing
exactly that. Can you imagine how much harder it will be to tell them you
don't like what they just did?
you don't feel comfortable enough to even have this conversation, chances
are having sex together would probably be pre-mature. It really isn't as
much about what you cover, what you talk about, as whether or not you can
and do talk about it.
course there are times in life when you don't want a long-term
relationship. But if you have read this far, chances are that is not you.
Wait a while. Get to know what their beliefs are, how they react to a wide
variety of situations. Get to know how they will treat you over a period
of time. And once you can see that your track record together gives you
some reason for hope, then moving into a sexual relationship may be
are people I know who are attractive, likable people, who basically could
make a good partner for someone. At first glance you'd find it hard to
believe they aren't involved, they seem to have so much to offer. One of
the most common reasons why these people are single is they jump into
sexual relationships way too early. Their drive to be intimate is so
strong that they just can't seem to wait long enough and they make love
with someone way too early, leaving them both feeling uncomfortable and
sometimes even embarrassed, and then it's over before it even began.
your time helps preserve your clarity of what you want, and helps you
maintain your sense of direction. Getting involved in pre-mature sexual
relationships can lead you down wrong way streets, distract you from your
pursuit of a healthy relationship, and put your self-esteem in question
when you wake up with someone who is little more than an acquaintance.
is available for speaking engagements on a range of topics, including
"Finding The Right Partner" and "Keeping Love Alive".
He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Further information can also be found at his web
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