am a middle age professional woman. I have been in my second marriage for
many, many years. I fell madly in love with my husband, and he is my soul
mate. I think we both feel the same about each other.
our marriage, we have been true to each other and are really committed to
our life together and we respect each other's profession. We have a
family even though we are both very busy and we enjoy being together.
However, our sex life is a problem for me and has been almost from the
beginning due to the quantity. He is not a very sexual person, does not
display sexual behavior at all unless I approach him. He responds sexually
to me but is very passive, unskilled, and unadventurous. This is one issue
we have not been able to resolve.
almost never approaches me sexually but he seldom or almost never has
refused to have sex with me and he has nothing against pleasing me if I
ask for it even when he is not in the mood for sex. I need to feel
attractive by having him approach me sexually. I have told him this for
many, many years but that has not led to any changes. I think I have given
have often asked him if he was maybe not attracted to me but he absolutely
denies that as a reason for his lack of sexual interest in me. I have even
discussed with him homosexuality and he has absolutely denied any such
tendencies. All our discussions are calmed and without accusations, open
to analysis from different angles, still he has not been able to explain
why he is so uninterested in sex.
one year ago I discovered that I was not longer hot for him anymore. Sex
started to become unfulfilling. He is just the person I love and share my
life with and respect but not the person with whom I am in love.
be continued below...
be continued below...
are obviously a very sexual woman, and I consider that a healthy way to
be! Our sexuality relates to every part of our being - the way we dress,
the colors we choose, the way we walk, talk, stand, the way we relate to
others, etc. In short, I believe there is nothing so important as our
said, I understand how you feel about your situation with your husband.
It's unfortunate that he's not a match for you sexually. Of course, you
don't know that your coworker is either! Thus, I believe that you're in
love with the sexual image of this coworker, not the coworker himself.
I see it, you really have only three choices:
Purse something with the coworker
Try to get your husband to get his low libido corrected and by improving
your sex life, falling back into love with him
talk about each of these:
you do nothing, I doubt your sexual interest in the coworker is going to
wane. I hope that you masturbate regularly as this helps to provide some
sexual relief. One question you might ask yourself: just after you
masturbate, do you find that your interest in the coworker goes away or
substantially lessens? If so, you know that your interest is sexual only,
you do nothing, you may find that your resentment for your husband is
going to grow and will soon become unhealthy. Obviously, that isn't a good
you pursue something with the coworker and actually start a sexual
relationship, you may find that he isn't the guy you imagined him to be.
On the other hand, he may be even more, and you may completely fall out of
love with your husband. This would be a precarious situation at best.
happen to believe that BOTH partners are responsible when an affair
happens! The person pursuing the affair is obviously responsible, but the
other partner has a hand in it as well. As in your case, your husband's
lack of sexuality plays an important role here. That by the way is not an
excuse to have an affair ?it is just a fact.
sure I don't have to tell you all the possible ramifications of an affair,
and as you said, your coworker would never be your life partner. If your
husband found out about this, it would likely destroy your marriage and
break up your family. So, if you choose this path, you must absolutely NOT
let your husband find out!
I see so often is that one partner in a relationship starts an affair and
then out of guilt, admits it to the other partner, or worse, leaves clues
around so that he/she finds out about it. Don't do this! If you can't
handle the guilt, then do not have the affair. Here's why: the only
benefit of your partner finding out about it would be a slight, temporary
relief in your own guilt. However, the more important impact will be on
your husband. It will likely destroy him and any relationship you have.
So, DO NOT let him find out about it!
last point here: you need to realize that any affair; if you're going to
keep your marriage together, would be temporary. At the end of the affair
you have other questions to answer including what you'll do when you're
back with an unfulfilling sex life.
last option of trying to help your husband correct his libido problems is
a complicated one! Consider that not only will he have to accept this, but
you're going to have to work on rebuilding your love for him while he
works on his sexual interest for you. You will have to put your interest
in your coworker out of your mind while you focus on the benefits of an
improved sex life with your husband.
how do you go about this? First, you're going to have to have a talk with
your husband - possibly a number of them. During these conversations, you
want to focus on your needs and expectations, not on his problem. You want
to explain to him that you find yourself falling out of love for him for
want of a sex life and that you believe this can be corrected.
believe that if he sees the gravity of the situation, he will be motivated
to get it solved. There is also the possibility that he will resent this
and may even take it as a blow to his ego. That is the risk you take with
are many therapies available to help correct low libido including medical
and psychological ones. If you choose this option, I strongly urge you to
seek the guidance of a qualified sex therapist. They can give you a
complete listing of the options available to you and map out a course to
remember: counseling isn't a panacea. There is still a good chance that
things won't improve, of if they do, that you won't fall back in love with
him again, and you'll be again asking yourself which of these three
options will be best for you in the future. Realize that this takes much
thought and effort. I wish you the best luck with whatever course of
action you choose.
P.S. - By Dr. Dennis
W. Neder, he is the author of
Being a Man in a Woman's World
Following is a list of readings that we recommend for you:
Secrets - You Can Have Now ! -Finally, a
complete guide that shows you how to drive any man crazy with seduction
and sex techniques never seen before! You will become so much sexier that
you will blow your man's mind. More>>
- To help you have the most enriching and rewarding
relationship possible, then seriously consider investing in at
least a small amount of study on the subject. That is
Relationship Collection"?I highly recommend it. See
what you think... "Michael Webb’s
- Are you always afraid you'd do something wrong, or that the
guy wouldn't like it? NOT ANY MORE! If you can't give yourself the
title of Blow-Job Queen after reading this, you'd better put a
mirror in front of your face and see if it fogs up. That is "A to
Z Guide to the Perfect Blow Job"?I highly recommend it. See
what you think... "A to Z Guide to
the Perfect Blow Job"
- If you want your lover to be passionately attracted to you, wanting
you, and craving your touch ?you've come to the right place
?That is "Instant Sexy Letters"?I highly recommend it.
See what you think... "Instant Sexy
- With the divorce rate over 55% in the United States today
(and often higher in other countries), it is important to know
your partner as intimately as possible before taking the
plunge!" That is "Compatibility Test"?I highly
recommend it. See what you
think... "Compatibility Test"