We're hearing a lot of support these days for virginity and
abstinence. These are fine concepts but may actually be missing the point.
Let's take a closer look at pre-marital sex.
Sex Facts And Statistics:
To begin with, why are some people advocating virginity and abstinence?
The arguments generally fall into these categories:
Manipulation to achieve a particular goal
These reasons relate to the problems with sex. In fact, many people
blame sex for all sorts of difficulties they've had in life. Perhaps bad
sexual choices have created problems, but there many good, compelling
reasons why you shouldn't give up sex, or even wait until you're married.
Let's explore some of these:
Today, most people look forward to healthy, active sex lives. Each of
us have preferences and make choices about our sexual practices, but in
general we want our partners to be sexually capable and compatible.
Unfortunately, there is no such thing as the "natural born
lover" any more than there is such a thing as "natural
compatibility". Learning to be a sexual person takes practice.
Learning to be a good lover and sexual partner takes both practice and
study. While there are many books on the subject and one can certainly
learn basic techniques, there is no substitute for actual experience. Too
many sexual issues just can't be addressed properly by a book.
Many people don't really understand this, and believe that there is a
"magic button" or a particular technique that will work for all
partners. In fact, this is exactly the opposite. Everyone has their own
unique, personal needs when it comes sex. No manual is going to give you
the "keys to the kingdom" with everyone you meet.
So, where do you get this education? Through experience. Further, a
single partner isn't going to give you everything you need to know. In
fact, it's often difficult to get people to open up about their sexuality
and incorrect beliefs are formed. The only way to become a good lover is
through experience with multiple partners.
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Why would you want to be a good lover in the first place? Isn't it
enough to learn exactly what your partner likes and do only that? Let me
ask you this - is it enough to find a single restaurant and only eat there
for the rest of your life? Of course not.
Constantly having sex in exactly the same way every time is a recipe
for boredom. People WANT passion in their lives - especially in the
bedroom. How are you going to keep things fresh with only a single set of
tricks and without some sort of perspective? This becomes even more
important as relationships "mature". Often, sex is the first
thing to suffer as other pressures of the relationship grow.
Whether you're a man or a woman, your partner will expect that you have
at least some sexual skills. If you have sexual hang-ups or problems,
these often will translate directly to the quality of your relationship.
You want to get these handled BEFORE you set out to find the love of your
life and hope they'll put up with a lack of sexual capability!
One last perspective on expectation: what are you really saying to your
partner if you were sexual at one time and decide to become celibate - are
you telling them that any future relationship with you (even marriage)
will also be sexless - or even "sex-reduced"? Actions speak
louder than words. You can say anything you want, but you're constantly
expressing your inner-most self through your actions.
Humans are "hands-on" learners. We are able to translate
individual experiences into much greater meanings in our lives. Just look
at the lessons you learned in school. Many of them became important clues
into how the world works even though the lesson wasn't directly related.
Sex is like this too. We learn volumes about ourselves and others
through intimate contact. We begin to see ourselves as "people of a
world of people" rather than unrelated individuals. Becoming good at
sex gives you new tools to communicate with others - many of them
non-sexual. It also give you perspective and wisdom.
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Wow - all of this through sex? Yes, absolutely. By learning to
communicate without words (and sometimes with them, but in different
ways), you learn to understand the essence of people.
There are many types of, and reasons for sex, but the most important is
communication. What if you were just dropped into a land where you didn't
know the language? Would you stubbornly refuse to talk to anyone unless
they first knew YOUR language? Of course not - you probably wouldn't
survive very long.
Sex is like this too. When you're young, your partners will forgive you
if you aren't very capable sexually. As you get older and meet more
experienced people, they tend to be less forgiving and expect that you
will have some level of sophistication about sex. Where are you going to
learn this language if you don't practice it?
General Health and Disease Prevention
Huh? We've all heard about all the
transmitted diseases. How can you prevent disease by HAVING sex?
Simple. The sexual organs are like any other in the body. By using them
you exercise them and keep them healthy.
It has been understood for some time that sexual problems can directly
relate to physical ones. One example is found in "body
syndromes". These are cases of physical problems that relate directly
to sexual ones. For example, some people start experiencing problems in
the low back, legs and arms in relation to sexual problems.
A recent study by Charles Nunn, a behavioral ecologist at the
University of Virginia in Charlottesville may suggest that more
promiscuous sex may actually exercise and strengthen the immune system.
This in turn helps the body to ward off disease.
Dr. Larry Clapp states, "Good health - and a healthy prostate -
depend on a regular, happy sex life... It's no accident that the highest
incident of prostate cancer occurs in celibate men."
Many studies suggest that the simple act of climax may have important
benefits. Almost everyone is already aware of the stress-relief factors
involved in orgasm, and in fact, many people use masturbation and sex for
exactly this purpose.
There are many other studies that conclude other health benefits of sex
- that a healthy sex life helps to promote many other health benefits.
However, don't rely on these studies alone - what about your own
experiences? Do you feel better about yourself and your world when your
sex life is healthy?
Following is a list of readings that we recommend for you:
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