Letting go of
a broken relationship is the key to flowing with life and flowing with life is the key to being effective in relationships.
At any moment, your life is exactly the way that it is.
You are the way you are and the people in your life are exactly the way that they are. This is true whether you like it or not.
When you fight and resist the way your life is, you create a state of fear and upset that destroys your effectiveness and almost always makes your situation worse.
You close down inside. You lose your ability to see clearly. You get tunnel vision, and you interact in a way that destroys love and creates opposition and resistance against yourself.
When we get upset, we think that the upset is caused by what happened, but this is never the case. Upsets are not caused by what happened. Upsets are caused by fighting and resisting what happened.
To see this in your life, select a recent upset. Now notice what would happen to the upset if you were at peace with what happened. There would be no upset.
There would be no upset because the upset wasn't caused by what happened. The upset was caused by your fighting and resisting what happened.
The moment you take away the fighting and resisting, the upset disappears.
To handle a situation, you need action, not resisting. Resisting only destroys love and keeps you from seeing the action that you need to take.
If you could somehow let go of your resisting, you would restore your peace of mind. You could then take the action you need to effectively handle your situation.
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"Letting go" is the inner action that removes the resisting which in turn releases the fear and upset.
The moment you let go, everything seems to change. With the fear and upset gone, you become creative and able to discover solutions you could never have seen before.
To see this another way, let's look at the nature of fear.
Fear is created by the avoiding and resisting of some future possible event. For example, let's say that you are married and that you are resisting the possibility of your spouse leaving. The more you resist this future possible event, the greater your fear.
As your fear increases, so does the chance of your fear coming true. You become threatened and hang on even more. This in turn pushes your spouse further and further away.
By avoiding and resisting this future possible event, you create a state of fear and upset that tends to bring you the very event that you are avoiding.
To have a fear lose its power, you need to do the opposite of resisting. You need to be willing for the fear to happen. You don't have to like it, just be willing.
Keep in mind that letting go is a state of mind and is totally separate from your actions. Letting go is what removes the fear and upset so that you can see what action works.
For example, in your heart, be willing to lose your spouse, but in your actions, do everything you can to create an environment where he or she would never want to leave.
The moment you become willing to lose your spouse, the fear and upset lose power. The tunnel vision disappears and you become able to interact in a way that creates love and greatly increases the chances of the person staying.
Be sure and read the example at the bottom of the page.
To let go of your resistance and to restore your peace of mind, you need to be willing for your life to be however it is and however it may become.
You do this by granting permission. "I give my spouse full permission to be exactly the way he or she is." "I am willing to lose my spouse." "I am willing to lose my job."
Let go of your demands and expectations for how your life should be and make peace with the way your life is. Set yourself free inside. Then take whatever action you need to have your life be great.
To make the process of letting go a little easier, there are two very important steps that you can take. The first step is trusting. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay.
Now this doesn't mean that life will turn out the way that you want it to. Life often doesn't. Trust is knowing that however life turns out, you will be fine.
When you know that you will be fine, letting go becomes relatively easy. You can then let go. You restore your effectiveness and life works out great. This then reinforces the trust.
When you don't trust, life becomes very difficult. You fight, resist and hang on. You then make everything worse, which reinforces "don't trust."
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Trust is actually a choice. Trust is something you create. It's a declaration. "I will be okay no matter what happens. I trust, just because I say so."
Trust is also telling the truth. You really will be fine no matter what happens. Life is only threatening when you resist. So stop resisting and trust. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be fine.
The second and most important step in the process of letting go is to be willing to feel your hurt. Be willing to feel all the sadness and all the feelings of being "not okay" that your circumstances reactivate.
This is important because it's the avoidance of this hurt that causes us to resist. We resist the circumstances because the circumstances are triggering our hurt.
We think that we're resisting our circumstances but we’re not. We are resisting all the feelings and emotion that are being reactivated by our
circumstances. More accurately, we are resisting a very specific hurt from the past. We are resisting the hurt of feeling not good enough, worthless, not worth loving, or some other form of being not okay.
Once you find and heal this hurt, the need to resist or hang on disappears. You can then let go and take the action you need to effectively handle your situation.
Finding and healing this hurt is one of the most important things you can ever do.
This hurt is responsible for all your fear and all your upsets. It is responsible for all your self-sabotaging behavior patterns and ultimately, all of your suffering.
In relationships, the avoidance of this hurt destroys love, fuels conflict and pushes people away.
To heal this hurt and to be more able to flow with life, make sure you read the next two sections, Heal Your Hurt and Find And Heal The Inner Issues That Run Your Life.
Ginger was so afraid of losing Paul that she tried to control his every move. Whenever she felt threatened, she would get angry and upset. Without knowing, Ginger was pushing Paul further and further away.
She was afraid of losing Paul because if he left her, this would reactivate all her hurt of feeling not worth loving. To avoid this hurt, Ginger hung on.
Once she realized this, Ginger started working with her hurt. She allowed herself to feel all the hurt of being not worth loving. As she did this, the loss of Paul ceased to be a threat. She became willing to lose him. She didn't want to lose him, but she was willing.
The moment Ginger was willing to lose Paul, the fear and upset lost its power. She saw her situation clearly and saw what she needed to do.
She met with Paul and apologized for hanging on. She told him to do whatever he needed to be happy, even if this meant his leaving her. She told him that she loved him and that she wanted him to stay, but that she was willing to lose him.
Within a few days, Paul realized that it was safe to be around Ginger. He even enjoyed their time together. Soon, Paul felt so loved and able to be himself around Ginger that he didn't want to go anywhere.
By being willing to lose Paul, Ginger was able to keep him.
- This article was written by Bill
Ferguson and was
published at: http://www.divorceasfriends.com
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