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"Clues" of an Affair
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how to deal with infidelity and abandonment

Survive an Affair - How to deal with infidelity and abandonment?

Common Patterns in Dealing with Affairs                      


Based on hearing the personal experiences of so many people during the past 20 years, I have come to recognize some typical patterns that often appear, regardless of the specific situation. Here are a few key points that seem to be quite common (both for the person having an affair and for the spouse): 

 

1. Person having an affair: Keeping the affair "separate" from the rest of life. Many people having affairs "compartmentalize" their lives and keep their family relationship and "outside" relationships separate in their own mind―as if one has nothing to do with the other.

 

2. Spouse: Being "crushed, humiliated and in pain" are almost always the reactions to learning of a partner's affair (even if there was a suspicion beforehand, but even more so if there was no suspicion). The most common word used is "devastation."

To be continued below...

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3. Person having an affair: Flatly denying an affair and/or not communicating about the affair once it's discovered. There seems to be an unwritten rule among people having affairs: "Never tell. If questioned, deny it. If caught, say as little as possible."

 

4. Spouse: Having a difficult time understanding how/why this happened; struggling with the feeling that this doesn't "make sense." (Affairs are not based on being rational; in fact, people having affairs tend to "rationalize" their behavior in order to feel OK about themselves.)

 

5. Person having an affair: Wanting to "put it behind us" and go on instead of dealing with it and trying to work through it.

 

6.Spouse: Losing a lot of weight and having a hard time simply functioning. In fact, the struggle to physically deal with the pain and loss is the first order of business for most people.

7. Both: Wanting to find a quick/easy solution to the upheaval caused by an affair. Seeing a therapist can help, but getting over the pain of the situation and rebuilding trust takes a lot of time and work. It can't be rushed. Some factors that make a difference are: willingness to answer questions, hanging in through the inevitable emotional impact, and severing contact with the third party. (These are not absolute, but usually indicate a willingness to resolve this issue instead of trying to bury it alive, where it just keeps coming back.)

8. Both: Wanting some "guarantee" that it won't happen again. There is no simple one-time action that can provide protection. Preventing an affair in the future requires a commitment to ongoing honest communication.

For more perspective on the issues related to understanding and recovering from affairs, see The Monogamy Myth. 

 

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P.S. - Peggy Vaughan is a relationship expert, specializing in dealing with the issue of extramarital affairs. She reaches an international audience through her own Website at: http://www.dearpeggy.com 

Following is a list of readings that we recommend for you:

  1. Facing the most painful and devastating experiences, The Affair, you are not alone. Claimed as the Bible of The Affair, Dr. Bob Huizenga’s Break Free from Affair gives you a step-by-step guide to help you break through the confusion, fear and move on with A Greater Life ahead. Break Free from Affair

  2. You can save your marriage TODAY! With impressive success rate of 90%, Dr. Lee's proven and effective approaches will rescue your marriage starting from today, and you could have the relationship of your dreams! Save Your Marriage... see what you think...

  3. I have found the effective 4-Step "strategy" to help you survive the relationship crisis, heal your broken heart and bring back your love. That is called Bring Back the Love of Your Life! I highly recommend it. See what you think...  Bring Back the Love of Your Life!

  4. How to have the GREAT SEX you can ever have in your life? How to have MULTIPLE orgasms you can have TONIGHT? How to make your partner crazy about you sexually? Killer Orgasm, we highly recommend.

  5. End Your Internet Porn Addiction- Do you suspect that your loved one is addicted to Internet pornography? What are the options for treatment? How to rebuild your life free from Internet porn? "Treating an Addiction to Internet Pornography" explains to you the answers for the above.

Recommended Readings:

Break Free From The Affair -a step-by-step guide to help you break through the affair, find how...

 

Bring Back the Love of Your Life! - You can mend your broken heart and bring back your lover! Find how...

 

Save Your Marriage

 

You could move from a marriage in trouble to the relationship of your dreams. More>>

 

 

 

 

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